Kangen

Or miss, in English.

For those who may have noticed, I am personally trying to minimize the usage of word miss in case of miss you as a person, not miss as a title that labeling me as an unmarried girl. Woman, fine.

And yes, I want to clarify, I minimize it as small as not using it at all because of certain reasons, but none of those reasons is that I don't miss you at all, especially while being an exchange student. Or I should have done this way back then when I was away for a conference in Copenhagen, Denmark, or when I stayed by myself for the past two years--being away from my parents to go to a high school which has changed my life so far, although I used to resent it--the high school.

Peculiar might describe me better as I am not trying to be cynical about myself. A very hard logically-minded-wannabe person that I even try to eliminate any kind of possibilities for me to lose to most of human's weakness--feelings. Emotions, basically. I am the kind of person who you think doesn't exist in such normal life, such person that you think I have made my life hard when you can make it easy without thinking hard--in some way. No, I'm basically thinking over the action-reaction process in human's life.

Anyway.
A lot of things that seem really easy for us to say or do can actually driven us to destruction, feelings found in the losing side (quoted from Sherlock's Scandal in Belgravia), things that might actually stir us worse than it should. Things that made the condition worse, which is losing to your weakness. Your own side. Some people might think that failing is a good way to achieve success, but failing when you knew the first path to achieve success yet you made that 'I want to try new things' decision and stir things to other way and mess it up, some people call it Taking Risks. I mostly call it an irrational, foolish way to drive your life. I mean, humans have brain not only to make sure you open your mouth when you eat, right? Or your spinal cord, if we're talking about those muscles. We have brains because we were given the chances to choose, to make decision, to think, to pick, and as the human nature we have, pick for the best one.

Way over board, indeed.
Anyway.

Losing to your own weakness, you let yourself being lured to the things that might drive you to that deep cliff of unhappiness. Nothing to achieve, even worse, you can't even stand up. Having something that you tried not to get lured into is like avoiding meat when you're a vegan although you used to love meat with all of your heart content. And the feelings when you finally let yourself get into the trap that you set and let it being visible... Is like the feelings of being slapped by the things you think you can overcome with. The feelings of not being able to even overcome yourself, to pass your limit, to not get lured, make you think that you won't achieve anything. Even the easiest thing that you've set right in front of your eyes is unavoidable, so how come you can achieve great things?

Missing you, some people said, might be so easy to say, less than two seconds to type, less than a second to blurt out. That mankind's natural feeling to long for someone or something that used to hang around them, by their side, wanting them to come back, wanting to go back to the same situation again, is one of the hardest obstacles men have to fight against. It's like... Longing to your comfort zone, again. Longing for parts of your life that has no worry and you know exactly what's happening and you're under control.

Some people said its the most humane thing that connects lots of people (well, my theory). When you said you miss somebody, that words give warmth and comfort, and feelings of being longed, just like mankind, longing and long to be longed, get it?

That's why I'm avoiding the usage of it. Not because I don't want people to see my weakness of longing something or somebody. But because if I do use it, I will keep hitting the same thick wall that made my long, adventurous, peculiar journey pause for long time. It made me waiting, made me standing on the same spot for years. To let myself being lured to the need of comfort zone, like what most likely happen to every exchange student, is like... Failing your exchange year right before you even achieve something. Because being away is not for you to realize that you have such a comfort zone and you can't wait to go back there.

But to realize that life is beyond your comfort zone, to be grateful that God has given you such opportunity to get away from your comfort zone, to aim higher, to be grateful (again) with what you've got before--the past comfort zone, and to always step in to a new, strange, quirky place and make it into your other comfort zone, until, this whole universe has become your comfort zone and you have nowhere to feel afraid or longing for something.

Besides, you can always run to your bedroom if you need one.

Have a wonderful year!