I Did It Again

Gosh, great. I did it again.

I feel extremely ashamed that it has already being written on my resolution book, yet I keep doing the same thing. Just when I thought this High School will be plain for such kind of matters, it gradually came.

Sadly, I just realized halfway through that I made another mistake –nearly as similar as before- that might eventually ruin my another perfect time. Well, the interruption is tolerable, but the results aren’t. The bonds which were made throughout the journey gradually crumble down. They always do.

“Never, EVER, put that interest towards mankind. Literally MANkind” is the exact sentence I have put on my Resolution book. What has happened in my previous year is intolerable, the impacts. Jealousy, broken heart, tedious, tiredness, sadness, madness, everything was mixed into a person, me.

Love.

Although it has a massive power to actually turn someone alive –through its tenderness, gentleness, caring-, it doesn’t go that way for me. Two times experiencing a same tiresome, jealousy, madly, and sadly pain is plentiful to actually made me think twice for something involving love. Especially with living things. People.

I have no problems with love for something –passion, as I would say. Books, voluntarism, humanity, environment, I have loved them since ages. Time has flew as I dedicating myself for them. But not with people. Period.

It has been that hurt. It never pleases me. It’s tiresome.

That’s why I never have an eye for loving a person. Family is fine, but not outsiders. Foreigners. Unknowable people.

I know I'm not lovable. It is hard to actually find someone who’ll gradually accept for who I am. This “think ahead” habit has clanged to me since ages. I always put myself in the condition where I’m used to think about what’s next. What might happen tomorrow? What might I feel next month? And that always occurs in my every personal relationships. Indicates I'm not suitable for any dating relationships. I'm sucks on it.

I am even able to describe what kind of scenario that will be played when I'm in someone’s interest. First month will be when we get to know each other, next one week will be when we are nearly being the unofficial-so-called couple, and the next week goes with this tiresome that mostly came from myself, and later on, it’s the end. Less than 2 months, I believe.

Which is why I am scared to have something as common as that. When this person is weirdly getting attached, connections and interactions have been made, sweet, gentle, caring attentions have been showed, this simple question just popped, “Will you feel this happy tomorrow?”

Which bring us to the next stage. Tiresome. Tedious. I had enough.

And I'm near.

But I do feel tired. There’s no way I would repeat a same mistake, same problem, same regret. I’m tired of falling in love with dynamical creature. Lively. Forceful. Because people change.

And pathetic, indeed. I may say “I Love You”, but then I never actually think about you as much as I think about that person somewhere on this Earth that will actually never think back. Or about my dreams. I never give you the same attention I’ve given to someone I have constantly been in love with. I actually admit that you’re replaceable. Temporary.

It’s me who’s being mean all the time. Yes, since I can't actually differ “mean” and “nice”.

Thus, before we end up to the same stage, I believe, cutting everything is the best choice.

Good bye, live a happy life.

Sincerely,

Dina