Be Tough

Tahu kan, tipe orang yang cemas berlebihan?

I am one of the person who thinks too much. I might think about tomorrow more than enjoying what I do today. I look over people's grieves over mine, I pay less attention to my own happiness... Seldom.

Anyway.

I might be the what-if person who'll ruin your daily hopes by raising such questions in your every premise. Yes, even to my own premises.

Another anyway.

Being an exchange student made me raise those what-if questions. What if I failed the class? What if something happened to me? What if I don't have any friends? What if something happened to my family? What if I have troubles with my host family?

What if?

One of my what-if seems come true... Although it doesn't happen to me. One of my wonderful friend whom I don't wish to share the name since I didn't write this in the person's concern, just lost his father... Back in our country, Indonesia, while being away in here, America.

No, I do not wish talk about him. What I feel, that's what you'll read.

To be precise, that premise is also one of my concerns. What if... One of family members die? What if... I'd be totally clueless.

One thing I had in mind regarding others is that I always try imagining people's feelings in myself. What if it happens to me?

First thing that happened, I cried. Silently, literally. It's 12 AM! The sadness suddenly creeped my skin, letting me imagining my own possibility. I am afraid of losing anyone in my family, I'm even afraid of losing anybody that I know, because the picture of death scares me. Not knowing what might happen to you... Too many what-if questions I can barely ask to myself.

I thought i was delusional, thus I tried to look for more infos. And it is... Confirmed. I cried again.

What if I'm him?

Well, to be frank... I don't know.
I don't know whether I should be sad and ask to go home because my family is so important for me, or should I stay here--finishing my exchange year--because I know my father would be disappointed with me not being responsible with my scholarships, or should I act tough in front of people, or should I just let my emotions drive me, or anything else?

I know none.

If I were him... I might not be him. All of the uncertain emotions are mixed up pretty well. The fact that I know none... The fact that I'm imagining how he feels... Made me pretty messed up, by any means emotionally sad... Like super sad. Like, theCarol of The Bells song being played over and over again. I love the song, but it's... Gloomy. Pretty much

I envy you, dear friend. I might not be able to do what you do now nor understand how you feel, but I tried, really.

Innaillaihi wa innailaihi rojiun. May Allah SWT bless your father. Even though I never met him... Officially, I know he's a wonderful man, just like you.

I might know nothing, but may you be tough.